Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Collard Greens

Last week, I acquired some collard greens. Later that evening, my work-wife invited me over for dinner and said she was making tilapia and salad. So I said, "Oh! I just got some collard greens we can add to the salad!"

My work-wife, who is from the South, kind of snorted and said something to the effect of "In the salad? You have to cook them!"

Lesson learned: Just because they look like salad greens, doesn't make them so.

Now let's flash back to the last time I ate cooked greens. I was probably about nine years old. My brother, sister, and I accompanied our mother to the grocery store, and while we were in the middle of the canned fruits and vegetables aisle, we came across a can of spinach. My brother and I begged our mom to buy it and serve it to us. So we could be like Popeye. With a knowing smirk, she bought it for us and served it that very night. We were so excited. As soon as we said grace, I grabbed my fork, scooped up a heaping portion of spinach, and shoved it in my mouth. And. It. Was. Awful. My parents had a good laugh and I didn't touch spinach again until I was in college—and even now, I only ever eat it raw.

So I asked my all-knowing collards expert work-wife what you're supposed to do with them, and she told me this: Bacon and vinegar.

Armed with the belief that anything fresh and bacon-ized is better than the atrocity that came out of that spinach can, I cooked up some collards the next day:

Collard greens
Balsamic vinegar
Sea salt

Cut up bacon into bite-sized bits and begin to cook in medium pan. Wash the collards and cut up into smaller pieces. Add to bacon and sauté with butter and vinegar until soft. Salt and pepper to taste.

I can smell the deliciousness from here. Mostly because I can't smell it at all.
So I ate my big bowl of collards. And it was passable. Considering the amazing-ness that is all things bacon, this is kind of an insult to it.

Later, I confessed my feelings about collards to my work-wife:

We'll see about that.
I think can safely say any sort of cooked greens are pretty gross. Maybe I'll learn the secret to unlocking sweet deliciousness and change my mind, but until then, I'm just gonna stick to eating the raw kind.

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